By Tony Deyal
People who are good with words have better health and live longer than most other people. The first time I tried a pun in the secondary school I went to, one of the older students told me, “Shut your punt!” When I complained to one of the seniors he told me flatly, “You lucky. It could have been worse.” After that, and despite the treat, I tried again and again with puns. I put my puns on the class board when the teacher wasn’t there.
After nine of them were wiped out with laughter at my stupidity, and shouts of “Give it up!” by the other students, I decided to try one more and if I failed, I would pack it up. I had read one that went “While most puns make me feel numb… . Math puns make me feel number”. I loved it, but I knew without a doubt that the other students would come after me as “Tony numb and dumb”. This time they would also start shouting words based on “punt”, “grunt” or “stunt”.
So, I went with one that I used when a colleague walking with me to the classroom made a bet, “You always feel you good with puns. I bet you can’t make a pun before we reach the class.” I laughed, looked at him and said, “Oh pun the door!” This was what we called “no pun in ten did”. It was the start, and as several of my friends always say, sometimes hoping against hope, “And you eh finish yet!”
This is when I drop it on them with, “And you don’t know nothing yet.” Then I tell them the facts. “Listen, there is something called ‘verbal fluency’. It is a direct connection between your command of vocabulary and your chances of living longer. I will be 80 in August and still write a weekly column, play cricket, drive a car, and carry heavy loads. What all of you need to do is understand humour and how it works. Once you learn and understand, it will help you big time.” None of them said; “You’re joking!” Instead, they all asked me to tell them more.
I started with grammar and how, if you don’t use vocabulary properly, you can get in trouble or, at least, lose your job. For example, there was a hospital doctor who did not know the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote”. It cost him his job and he might even make a jail. Then there was a blonde who walked into a library and said to the librarian: “The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!”
The librarian shouted to her colleagues: “Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!” One good thing though is that after reading a thesaurus you end up with a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms lie unnecessary, worthless and redundant. It is like learning different types of humour. Suppose I asked, “If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?” Given my looks, you better respond, “Beauty!! Beauty is in the eye of this beholder.” Then there are sausage puns.
They’re the worst. Then the guy who wrote an entire theatre production based on puns. It was a play on words. And the Indians from the US were first. They had reservations. However, this Indian from Trinidad has puns, a form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings, especially similar-sounding words to make a joke. In fact, the great Alfred Hitchcock, the English film director, stated, “Puns are the highest form of literature.”
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walked into a bar. No joke. So, what you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? A thesaurus. And what is Russian history in five words, “And then things get worse.” Or I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words before he died, “Are you still holding the ladder?” Then there is the one we all heard at some time about the Teacher who told one of his students, Charlie, to give him a sentence which included the words, “Defence, Defeat and Detail.”
Charlie immediately replied: “Sir, when a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.” One thing all men should learn from- don’t start something that you can’t finish properly. The husband boasted to his wife, “Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…” The wife shouted from the kitchen, “That’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!” The husband replied, “What?” He was lucky that she had gone for ten words and did not yet drop the three words to make any man hit rock bottom, “Is it in?”
This brings me to George Carlin, the American comedian and social critic known as “the dean of counterculture comedians.” He added to the man and lady issue with, “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
Carlin also said: “He – and if there is a God, I am confident he is a “he”, because no woman could or would ever “mess” things up this badly.” One of his albums included “Jammin’ in New York” which showed his skills with words about airlines and flying. The folks in charge of flights say, “Rain event”, “Emergency Situation”, “Boarding process”, “Pre-qualified” and even “Pre-recorded” when only one word was enough. For example, the term “non-stop flight” was something he did not care for because he wanted his plane to stop in an airport and not on top of a house. Also, it upset him that what they called a “near miss” was really a “near hit”. Worse, what was a “cockpit” had become a “Flight desk” with a “Stewardess” who was really the lady on the plain who gave you a lecture on the seatbelt which was really a belt buckle.
While my parents and teachers were ready to drop a belt buckle or worse when they caught me making jokes when I should have been studying, it is what keeps me going even now. I once asked a guy to call me a taxi. He said he would, but that I really looked more like a truck. Or my wife asked her doctor if she should have kids above 40. He told her no, 40 is more than enough. Then there was the old man who fell into a well. Apparently, he couldn’t see that well. Or when I die, I want to be like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving. And one I really like, “Why did the lion go to therapy?” He found out his wife was a cheetah!
* Tony Deyal was last seen asking what would a sous chef’s last words be? “I wish I had more thyme.”
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