By Tony Deyal
Jerry Seinfeld, the American stand-up comedian and actor, made the point: “I read a report about an earthquake where local officials trying to explain the damage said, ‘The earthquake wasn’t that bad. It’s just that the buildings weren’t designed to withstand.’ Would you accept an explanation like that in the courtroom?
‘Your honor, the police didn’t murder this man. His body simply wasn’t designed to withstand bullets.’” It sounds almost like what the combination of the Jamaican duo, Chaka Demus and Pliers, sang in the 1992 “Mango Records” album, “Bam Bam It’s Murder”. It was the best song of all, and five star all the way, mainly because of “Murder She Wrote” the song which made it clear, “Murder she wrote/ Murder she wrote…”
These days, if anyone wants to build on that song, it would be murder she found, wrote, cried, begged for help and pray to God, not just in Jamaica, but Trinidad and several other Caribbean countries, even Barbados. For many, it is an ongoing bloodbath. Going through the newspapers we read, “Police minister’s purse stolen at police conference”; “10 police officers held for stealing from thief”;- “Seven officers accused of extortion”;- “ three police complainants face discipline after corruption case”;- “Cops linked to fatal shooting of three men in East Kingston now”;- “Two cops charged with murder over Windward Road triple”;- and “Jamaica: First police officer in over six years convicted of murder while on duty.”
The Trinidad Express wrote, in an article about crime in Trinidad, that in 2018 there were 82 officers under investigation; in 2019, there were 90; in 2020, 124; and in 2022 there were 133. It added that from these investigations, evidence was found for criminal intent for 19 officers in 2013; 23 officers in 2019; 16 officers in 2020; and 18 officers in 2021.
Most of the charges laid against officers were for misbehaviour in public office; corruption under the prevention of Corruption Act (bribe-taking); and perversion of the course of public justice. A senior superintendent noted that in 2019 there were seven convictions; in 2020, ten convictions; in 2021, there were 12; and for 2022 there were 17 and counting.
When I was a youngster going to elementary school over 70 years ago, all the boys used to play a game called “Police and Thief.” In those days, all of us wanted to be “police” to chase down and “lock-up” the criminals. It was not long before we found out that there was absolutely no difference between the two groups- police and thief. They were the same.
What I found funny is that when I was ten, I went to another elementary school, this time in Port-of-Spain. There I found out that they had moved from “police and thief” to “Rescue,” or what we thought of as “no police eh see.” What we didn’t know as we laughed and shouted was what the research saw in the “endorphins or “feel good chemicals for well-being.” The laughter it activated in us was the same receptors as drugs like heroin with painkilling, and euphoria-producing elements. In fact, nervous laughter is very much our brain’s way of dealing with negative emotions or events. It is laughter that happens when we feel anxious, stressed, or uncomfortable.
This is why I share jokes with friends and readers when I’m dealing with crimes, criminals and punishment. Even though one of my friends told me that I should quit worrying about life because I wouldn’t survive it anyway, I can’t do that. Moreover, I’m certain that my readers in the Caribbean will not run for cover. As one friend told me, “With the election coming in Trinidad and almost all the regional countries in the year ahead, the government, the opposition and the police service decided to boast about being the best at catching criminals.
The governor decided to give them a test and released a rabbit into a forest for each of them to catch. The government people, using an FBI support group brought in, especially for them, received over 1,000 tips about the rabbits’ location. However, they said it is not their business to investigate and packed up. The Caribbean support group for all the national members burnt down the whole forest and said: “Were going back to our countries. There are no longer any rabbits here.” But the police service was right in its element. They dragged a man out of the forest, and beat him badly on his front, back and side until he screamed out loud, “OK, OK, I am a rabbit. True, true officers, I am a rabbit.”
There are jokes of course like: “There are a few criminals in Port-of-Spain that keep stealing wheels from police cars parked in the restaurants, clubs and brothels. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.” Then one of my real buddies whose name I will not use, boasted that he was halfway of his dream of being a criminal lawyer. All he needs to do now is to work on the lawyer part. What I heard in my village where the worst police were posted, was a beauty.
There was a criminal there so fat that the police could not surround him because all of them were fatter than him. There are some serious but funny ones like: “A policeman, a thief and a criminal walked into a bar. He demanded a beer from the owner and a bottle of rum to go.”
One that I heard in my days at the University in Trinidad was, “Criminals are called criminals because if they can commit a crime without being caught most of them would be called Politicians, or even Police!” Another told me flatly: “Listen, they say criminals always return to the scene of the crime. But then they call themselves POLICE and if you laugh, they lock you up!” One of my favourites is, “Why was the police officer sleeping on the job?” He was undercover.
Over cover, what hits all of us is that the streets of Trinidad and, increasingly, Tobago, are a bloodbath. While this might be seen as one-sided, it is still very different and much more frightening than the man who slipped and hit his head in the shower. Or one who took a shower with a vampire. Or even the lady who wanted to relax when on her period. These were bloodbaths, yes, but nothing like the extreme view of Trinidad and Tobago, as well as Jamaica and other countries today. Every day seems to be full of crime and murders like, “Five killed in Central Trinidad”;- “Kidnapped man found dead in Ste Madeline”;- “13-yr-old girl stabbed, beaten at Chaguanas mall”;- “Barber shot dead in Sangre Grande”;- and “18-yr-old killed in Belmont shooting near the school.”
Kenneth Mohammed of the British “Guardian” made it clear: “Trinidad and Tobago’s streets are a bloodbath. Yet all our politicians offer are platitudes.” Or, like the police in my community, “FATITUDES.”
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that despite knowing he might be harassed by the police for this article, he will be like the blood cell before it died in an artery. It said: “I will not die in vein.”
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