By Tony Deyal
Donald Trump’s victory in the US reminds me of Richard Nixon who, in 1972, accused chairman Mao of China of not having a democratic government. Nixon asked him flatly, “When was your last election?” The 79-year-old chairman answered flatly, “Rast night.” Well, last night went with Trump’s boast that “heads I win, tails you lose.” However, now that Trump is the president a lot of people will most likely catch their “ras,” but this is no longer our business. We have to move on and deal with our own concerns, problems and whatever we think will be coming down the track at us, especially the non-whites.
As I knew and once more learnt, the problem with political jokes is they get elected. Good old King Henry V11 said this about elections and their consequences 500 years ago. Have I learnt anything? Not really. One of my friends had asked me, “What’s the difference between a politician and a snail?” When I grinned, he replied, “One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.” Despite this, I continued to be like the voter who got a call from a person, known as a “push puller”, who attempted to lead him towards a position or candidate.
Well, the voter, who really hated the candidate, went into a five-minute rant, cursing, fuming and ending with, “And if your person gets elected I don’t know whether I will kill myself, or leave the country!” The “puller” said, “OK, I will put you down as ‘undecided.’”
Another friend, very late last night, sent me a joke that I must share. “A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, “Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am.” “You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude,” the man replied. “You must be a Democrat,” was her response. The man replied, “I am. How did you know?” The lady explained, “Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve been no help.” The man replied immediately: “You must be a Republican!” She was stunned and asked him, “Yes. How did you know?” He told her flatly, “You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
Before I move on, I will add a few things that friends told me. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. One even told me that I should not vote for Trump “because it is like voting for a chicken. When their day is over, they’ll go for a coup!” He also asked, “Why did the dentist vote for Trump?” And immediately added, “He likes to keep things white and straight.” And the one I remembered today and laughed, “How many Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer is Two! One, Joe Biden who changed the bulb when he won the election and Trump who very soon will change it back again.
That is exactly what will happen early next year in the Caribbean. According to “Caribbean Life”, four of the larger Caribbean Community countries are preparing for general elections in the next year with Trinidad prime minister, Keith Rowley, “giving a clear signal that an election date is near and ordering his supports to begin campaigning in earnest.” The “Life” added: “While the governing People’s National Movement (PNM) has started to screen possible candidates for about eight political constituencies so far, elections and boundaries commissions in Guyana, Jamaica and Suriname are also gearing up for key plebiscites (voters) in the coming months.”
In a way, it is taking me back to the past when I worked in all the English-speaking countries of the Caribbean. The first thing people wanted to hear was my favourite jokes. In Trinidad, I claimed that my favourite joke was prime minister Dr Eric Williams, our first prime minister. Later it became Patrick Manning and Basdeo Panday, both political leaders fighting to be PM’s. In Jamaica, I thought of Michael Manley and Edward Seaga, but that was sometimes risky. I left Tom Adams and my choice for the best of all, Errol Barrow, alone.
However, in Trinidad, I always went back to my story of our first prime minister. A diehard member of the party eventually went to the great beyond where he met the Keeper of the Gates who asked, “Is there anything you particularly want or anyone you would like to meet again?”
“Yes,” the man said, “I want to meet the father of our nation.” “Who is this man?” asked the Keeper. “Do you have a name?” “Well,” the newcomer explained, “his name is Eric Williams.” The Keeper was apologetic, “The names ‘Eric’ and ‘Williams’ are common English names. We have a lot of them here.
Is there some other characteristic that would help me find him?” The man thought for a moment and suggested, “We used to call him ‘Bill’.” The Keeper laughed, “You know how many Bills we have here? More than your Parliament. Can you remember anything else that will help.” The man thought for a long time and then said, “Yes! He told us if anybody took his name in vain, or did anything to bring his party into disrepute, he would turn over in his grave.” The Keeper laughed in great glee, “Oh, you mean Revolving Bill!”
In Jamaica, I found out that there was a political party which provided really good weed to promote their party. I thought it interesting and asked the boss for the name of the group. He laughed: “Don’t worry with that. It’s propa-ganja.” My other Jamaican joke was about the great leader, Alexander Bustamante, who was not known for his reading or writing skills. When, after a riot in Montego Bay, he tried to summon his police chief to bring him some help and a weapon, the phone connection was bad and “Busta” had to speak slowly and spell out what he wanted. “Bring a gun. You hear me, a gun! You still can’t hear me? GUN.
G as in Jesus, U as in Europe and N as in pneumonia.” I heard one about Barbados when, many years ago, I was on the seaside taking a break from my job and telling a friend I was helping the Prime Minister to win the next election. He asked, “What happen if your friend the politician drown in the river?” He didn’t wait for me to respond and laughed, “That is pollution. And if all of them drown, it is the solution.” I called it delusion and left.
*Tony Deyal last remembered Basdeo Panday who had linked up with three other parties to form a coalition against the Government in power. When asked, “Mr Panday, isn’t that a marriage of convenience?” he asked, “Aren’t all marriages?”
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